Journal Entry - January 28th, 2012
Unfortunately no major revelations. I do however continue to feel better about being honest with myself. My current theory on my hesitations? I've never really had to process through my feelings about whether or not I really wanted, rubber to the road wanted to adopt internationally. Because Steve's default answer has been no for so long, when he switched to a yes, I didn't take time to reprocess. I think I'm just doing that now.
Despite Steve's unconcern about finances, I don't know how to make money appear. Because we just bought the rental house, we've eaten up our financial wiggle room.
If God would send a messenger to say, do this, this is right for you, I would do it. Happily. But I am sure that it isn't right to demand a sign.
I'd love to set up a long list of stipulations to assure me of God's intervention. Like....it has to be the girl that Steve is thinking of from HCRM.
That's a whole other tangent....When Steve was in Haiti there was one girl in particular that softened his heart towards adopting. An absolutely beautiful little girl, the one that could be the one. Now that we have gotten into this, it seems that she would be very difficult to pursue. (for a lot of reasons that are hard to work around) So that brings in a whole new set of questions.....Should we pursue and push for this particular girl? Is she the one for us?
Let's be honest, my life to date has required very little faith. Am I failing at my first challenge?
A week ago I was ready to throw in the towel. I'm back to neutral.
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Thursday, 27 December 2012
I'm a Jerk
Journal Entry - January 20, 2012
This week the doubts are winning. I'm having misgivings over whether we can do this, whether we should do this. This is kind of the last point we can back out without much kafuffle. We can stop now by just saying we're out. So do we do this or not?
Having kids was so much easier than this. Do what you do to make babies, and if it happens it happens. This is slow and daunting.
Is this nerves or wisdom? Who do I talk to about this? I don't think I know anyone whose opinion on this I trust, who is knowledgeable and objective.
You can't do this wrong, the stakes are way to high. I feel like a huge jerk having these thoughts. I hate to admit it on paper. I can't take these doubts back, here they are. These feelings have been rolling around for a while, but I've been hesitant to commit to them in writing.
I know I can't navigate my life with feelings, but I also recognize that feelings are a good way to get my attention. My plan is this....think about it, pray about it, sit on it, sleep on it..... There is an info day at Mission of Tears on February 11th. If I still feel like this in three weeks I'll talk to Steve about it.
How is it possible for someone to have such duality about something?
This week the doubts are winning. I'm having misgivings over whether we can do this, whether we should do this. This is kind of the last point we can back out without much kafuffle. We can stop now by just saying we're out. So do we do this or not?
Having kids was so much easier than this. Do what you do to make babies, and if it happens it happens. This is slow and daunting.
Is this nerves or wisdom? Who do I talk to about this? I don't think I know anyone whose opinion on this I trust, who is knowledgeable and objective.
You can't do this wrong, the stakes are way to high. I feel like a huge jerk having these thoughts. I hate to admit it on paper. I can't take these doubts back, here they are. These feelings have been rolling around for a while, but I've been hesitant to commit to them in writing.
I know I can't navigate my life with feelings, but I also recognize that feelings are a good way to get my attention. My plan is this....think about it, pray about it, sit on it, sleep on it..... There is an info day at Mission of Tears on February 11th. If I still feel like this in three weeks I'll talk to Steve about it.
How is it possible for someone to have such duality about something?
Friday, 21 December 2012
Over Optimistic
Journal Entry - January 6, 2012
A new year! Maybe the year we bring the rest of our family home. Over optimistic I know, but it's a new year, let me be optimistic :)
We have everything for our home study done. RCMP check, vulnerable sector check, OPP police check, medical exams, psychological test done. Now we just have to wait to finish up our home study with Glory. Then we can send one big package to Mission of Tears and hopefully get this show on the road.
I'm having moments of doubt throughout this. When I wonder if we are doing the right thing if we do this. Then I remind myself that I have felt like this before. Like when I married Steve, when we had Evan, when we moved to the Ranch. It seems my nature is pessimistic. My hope is optimistic. My God is optimistic.
Evan had a funny moment last night. He asked if an adoption from Haiti was the same as a Canadian adoption. Will whoever we get be his full brother/sister. Like Nathan.
I said of course. I don't think it dawned on him that is would be his brother or sister too, not just our son or daughter. He was processing through them looking different etc.
I wonder if part of God's big plan for our family was to teach us about adoption and adopted love through Nathan.
Waiting in great anticipation!
A new year! Maybe the year we bring the rest of our family home. Over optimistic I know, but it's a new year, let me be optimistic :)
We have everything for our home study done. RCMP check, vulnerable sector check, OPP police check, medical exams, psychological test done. Now we just have to wait to finish up our home study with Glory. Then we can send one big package to Mission of Tears and hopefully get this show on the road.
I'm having moments of doubt throughout this. When I wonder if we are doing the right thing if we do this. Then I remind myself that I have felt like this before. Like when I married Steve, when we had Evan, when we moved to the Ranch. It seems my nature is pessimistic. My hope is optimistic. My God is optimistic.
Evan had a funny moment last night. He asked if an adoption from Haiti was the same as a Canadian adoption. Will whoever we get be his full brother/sister. Like Nathan.
I said of course. I don't think it dawned on him that is would be his brother or sister too, not just our son or daughter. He was processing through them looking different etc.
I wonder if part of God's big plan for our family was to teach us about adoption and adopted love through Nathan.
Waiting in great anticipation!
Thursday, 6 December 2012
A Big Thrill
Journal Entry ~ December 10, 2011
Our first payment came out this week. Seeing that check on the bank screen was such a big thrill. We are actually doing this.
To be honest this week I have been overwhelmed with the expense of this. In addition to the money we have to pay for the adoption, we also paid for PRIDE training, our homestudy, and psychological testing.
I am reminding myself that money is not eternal, but the benefits of growing our family are. Steve who is always laissez faire about money is extra unconcerned about this money. I'm trying to borrow some of his feelings about it....
Realistically this means years of being tight. It is another one of those 'how to pray' moments. How do I pray about this? I'd like to pray that a large sum of money gets dropped in our lap. I don't think I have the faith to pray for that.
Thankfully the money issue is easier than some of the other issues we have worked through these last few years. I am certain that no amount of cash will exit this life with me. I am as certain that my relationships will follow me into eternity.
I am so happy to be doing this. I have moments of delight, doubt, despair and great anticipation. We're actually doing this.
Our first payment came out this week. Seeing that check on the bank screen was such a big thrill. We are actually doing this.
To be honest this week I have been overwhelmed with the expense of this. In addition to the money we have to pay for the adoption, we also paid for PRIDE training, our homestudy, and psychological testing.
I am reminding myself that money is not eternal, but the benefits of growing our family are. Steve who is always laissez faire about money is extra unconcerned about this money. I'm trying to borrow some of his feelings about it....
Realistically this means years of being tight. It is another one of those 'how to pray' moments. How do I pray about this? I'd like to pray that a large sum of money gets dropped in our lap. I don't think I have the faith to pray for that.
Thankfully the money issue is easier than some of the other issues we have worked through these last few years. I am certain that no amount of cash will exit this life with me. I am as certain that my relationships will follow me into eternity.
I am so happy to be doing this. I have moments of delight, doubt, despair and great anticipation. We're actually doing this.
December 14, 2011
A great break! We found a psychologist who can do our assessment much earlier and for cheaper! A small victory, but a victory none the less!
December 15, 2011
The Paris OPP has figured out how to do a vulnerable sector check for us :) You'd think it would be easy to get a vulnerable sector done, but it wasn't. The good news? Every trip to Paris (it took five) included a stop at the bakery....
Saturday, 1 December 2012
No Pie in Our Eye
Journal Entry - November 28, 2011
We've got a lot done in the last seven weeks!
We've had 3 appointments with Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study), one more this week and our homestudy will be done.
We met with Gordon at Mission of Tears. He presented their terrible communication as a way to sort out "pie-eyed" parents. So sending in an application in April and not being accepted as clients until September was a test. Apparently all my calls and emails proved that we were serious and they agreed to work with us. This is not for the faint of heart.
Our contracts for them, and a check are sitting on the counter tonight. I'll send it in tomorrow, and then it's official.....we'll be trying to get 'pregnant' :) (Steve thinks we should back up paper pregnancy with conventional methods just to be sure......)
In our discussions with Gordon we changed our request for what kind of child we'd like to adopt. Initially we thought one older child would be good, but after speaking to others and thinking about it, I wondered if 2 slightly younger kids would be better.
Imagine my trepidation at asking Steve if he wants to adopt 2....I waited ten years for a yes to one, then asking for 2 six months later.
To my surprise, Steve said yes. No maneuvering required.
So we changed our application to two children between the ages of 5 and 10, siblings, with at least one being a girl.
I am actually allowing myself the smallest glimmer of excitement. Not enough to bury me if it's in vain, but a glimmer.
Next steps: finish police check with OPP, send completed homestudy to Mission of Tears, pray pray pray!
We've got a lot done in the last seven weeks!
We've had 3 appointments with Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study), one more this week and our homestudy will be done.
We met with Gordon at Mission of Tears. He presented their terrible communication as a way to sort out "pie-eyed" parents. So sending in an application in April and not being accepted as clients until September was a test. Apparently all my calls and emails proved that we were serious and they agreed to work with us. This is not for the faint of heart.
Our contracts for them, and a check are sitting on the counter tonight. I'll send it in tomorrow, and then it's official.....we'll be trying to get 'pregnant' :) (Steve thinks we should back up paper pregnancy with conventional methods just to be sure......)
In our discussions with Gordon we changed our request for what kind of child we'd like to adopt. Initially we thought one older child would be good, but after speaking to others and thinking about it, I wondered if 2 slightly younger kids would be better.
Imagine my trepidation at asking Steve if he wants to adopt 2....I waited ten years for a yes to one, then asking for 2 six months later.
To my surprise, Steve said yes. No maneuvering required.
I am actually allowing myself the smallest glimmer of excitement. Not enough to bury me if it's in vain, but a glimmer.
Next steps: finish police check with OPP, send completed homestudy to Mission of Tears, pray pray pray!
5 months to get a phone call
Journal Entry - October 6, 2011
It has been a long time since the last entry, and it's easy to explain why.....nothing has happened.
It took Mission of Tears until September 12th to reply to our application. (That was 5 long months). I called or emailed about once every three weeks, but for long stretches of time I didn't hear anything back. I'm so doubtful about working with a company with such bad customer service, but they are it. They are the one and only agency for Haiti. It's them or no one.
We have an appointment next week to ask some questions and we'll decide whether we want to move forward with them. There are some other things going on in our family that are joy sappers for me. I have a lot to sort through.
It has been a long time since the last entry, and it's easy to explain why.....nothing has happened.
It took Mission of Tears until September 12th to reply to our application. (That was 5 long months). I called or emailed about once every three weeks, but for long stretches of time I didn't hear anything back. I'm so doubtful about working with a company with such bad customer service, but they are it. They are the one and only agency for Haiti. It's them or no one.
We have an appointment next week to ask some questions and we'll decide whether we want to move forward with them. There are some other things going on in our family that are joy sappers for me. I have a lot to sort through.
Glory (Alleluia)
Journal Entry - April 20, 2011
We are just about done the paperwork for Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study). I hope to have it in the mail by Monday.
I'm going to call Mission of Tears today to see if they received our application and to check where they are with that. I will admit, it does make me nervous that they are so slow to respond. These people are my paper pushers, I need them to be efficient.
I am feeling better (less unnerved) about international adoption. There are so many places that need God to intervene that if this process results in a child in our home there will be no doubt that God is in it.
It feels a bit like pre-marriage jitters. I was sure I was making a mistake when I married Steve (I had serious cold feet the last 24hrs) so being nervous about something doesn't negate things for me, or scare me into thinking we shouldn't.
Lord please help me remember what paper to chase!
We are just about done the paperwork for Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study). I hope to have it in the mail by Monday.
I'm going to call Mission of Tears today to see if they received our application and to check where they are with that. I will admit, it does make me nervous that they are so slow to respond. These people are my paper pushers, I need them to be efficient.
I am feeling better (less unnerved) about international adoption. There are so many places that need God to intervene that if this process results in a child in our home there will be no doubt that God is in it.
It feels a bit like pre-marriage jitters. I was sure I was making a mistake when I married Steve (I had serious cold feet the last 24hrs) so being nervous about something doesn't negate things for me, or scare me into thinking we shouldn't.
Lord please help me remember what paper to chase!
Saturday, 13 October 2012
Call Already
Journal Entry - April 2, 2011
Still no call from Mission of Tears. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
This has been the first few days I've wondered if we can actually do this. There is so much paperwork, so many steps. It seems a little daunting and over whelming. I'm going to start filling out forms tomorrow. I'm having feelings of anxiety about whether this is the right thing for our family. Now that the initial excitement of Steve being on board has settled in, and I begin to look at how this 'fleshes' out I want to be sure this is right.
Lord show me your hand and provision.
Still no call from Mission of Tears. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
This has been the first few days I've wondered if we can actually do this. There is so much paperwork, so many steps. It seems a little daunting and over whelming. I'm going to start filling out forms tomorrow. I'm having feelings of anxiety about whether this is the right thing for our family. Now that the initial excitement of Steve being on board has settled in, and I begin to look at how this 'fleshes' out I want to be sure this is right.
Lord show me your hand and provision.
The Privilege of Saving
Journal Entry - March 28th 2011
I'm with some of my favorite ladies today who are shopping, and I'm not buying anything, because I'm saving up for our adoption. The overwhelming joy of saving up for our adoption makes not spending feel like a privilege. I have the privilege of not spending to be able to save. I'm so happy to be able to scrimp for this.
This whole journey has me feeling a little vulnerable. I go to a buffet, and I'm sad that somewhere out there one of our children are hungry today. I crawl into a warm bed, and I wonder if she has somewhere dry to sleep tonight.
She doesn't know we exist, and yet I love her. I hope her future is intricately tied to mine. Lord, please deposit into her heart the knowledge that she is treasured, wanted, longed for. Don't let her despair. Please Lord go before us and make this path straight.
I'm with some of my favorite ladies today who are shopping, and I'm not buying anything, because I'm saving up for our adoption. The overwhelming joy of saving up for our adoption makes not spending feel like a privilege. I have the privilege of not spending to be able to save. I'm so happy to be able to scrimp for this.
This whole journey has me feeling a little vulnerable. I go to a buffet, and I'm sad that somewhere out there one of our children are hungry today. I crawl into a warm bed, and I wonder if she has somewhere dry to sleep tonight.
She doesn't know we exist, and yet I love her. I hope her future is intricately tied to mine. Lord, please deposit into her heart the knowledge that she is treasured, wanted, longed for. Don't let her despair. Please Lord go before us and make this path straight.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Please Stop!
Journal Entry - March 23, 2011
We are waiting for Mission of Tears to call back. Maybe we'll hear this week if they'll work with us.
It feels like a delicate balance as we are ridiculously anxious to hear, but don't want to appear rude or over "child specific" (asking for certain child) so as to scare away the agency we need to help us.
I really really hope they'll pick us up.
I feel like I should do the "what if we can't have her" conversation with Steve, but I'm afraid of his answer. Such a beautiful little treasure. Is she mine? Is she the one the Lord has for us? Today, I can hardly fathom saying, fine, not her then, it can be anyone.
There aren't words to describe how to feel about a child who is mine, but not yet mine. I feel like I'm betraying them by living each day in comfort and ease while they are hungry and cold. Lonely.
That feeling you get when your world has screeched to a halt and you can't believe that everyone else is carrying on as if nothing has changed.
I feel like everything should stop until we get this figured out.
It is overwhelming to think of the details. Each little step we need to get done, each huge step we need to get done. But there is no other option but to do each step, painfully and slowly. We have an appointment with a social worker tomorrow to see if he's a good fit to do our home study.
One small step at a time......
We are waiting for Mission of Tears to call back. Maybe we'll hear this week if they'll work with us.
It feels like a delicate balance as we are ridiculously anxious to hear, but don't want to appear rude or over "child specific" (asking for certain child) so as to scare away the agency we need to help us.
I really really hope they'll pick us up.
I feel like I should do the "what if we can't have her" conversation with Steve, but I'm afraid of his answer. Such a beautiful little treasure. Is she mine? Is she the one the Lord has for us? Today, I can hardly fathom saying, fine, not her then, it can be anyone.
There aren't words to describe how to feel about a child who is mine, but not yet mine. I feel like I'm betraying them by living each day in comfort and ease while they are hungry and cold. Lonely.
That feeling you get when your world has screeched to a halt and you can't believe that everyone else is carrying on as if nothing has changed.
I feel like everything should stop until we get this figured out.
It is overwhelming to think of the details. Each little step we need to get done, each huge step we need to get done. But there is no other option but to do each step, painfully and slowly. We have an appointment with a social worker tomorrow to see if he's a good fit to do our home study.
One small step at a time......
So many questions
Journal Entry ~ March 6th, 2011
Well, a few emails are bouncing about. We are looking for someone to do our homestudy, two replies so far. I also need to figure out if we have our PRIDE training or equivalency.
There are two agencies in Canada that deal with Haiti. The one in Toronto is not currently affiliated with HCRM (the orphanage where Steve & Evan were) but the secretary will talk to the director about it. The other agency is in Alberta.
I have so many questions right now. So many I don't want to ask outloud. Will Steve still want to do this if we can't adopt the girl he thinks is right for our family? Do I want to do this if we can't have her?
It's funny the emotion that is already tied up in this. At times I am so overwhelmed with sadness that one of my children is hungry and cold today, and at the same moment I wonder if we'll even be able to get her here.
It really does come back to this....if God wants us to do this, it will happen. There isn't a whole lot we can do. I am still worried about the money. The Lord reminded me today that money isn't a big deal to him. I also know that when I die and talk to the Lord about what I've done with my money, that I won't feel like this was frivolous.
Lord help me to listen and to position myself to hear you and receive what you want to give me.
Well, a few emails are bouncing about. We are looking for someone to do our homestudy, two replies so far. I also need to figure out if we have our PRIDE training or equivalency.
There are two agencies in Canada that deal with Haiti. The one in Toronto is not currently affiliated with HCRM (the orphanage where Steve & Evan were) but the secretary will talk to the director about it. The other agency is in Alberta.
I have so many questions right now. So many I don't want to ask outloud. Will Steve still want to do this if we can't adopt the girl he thinks is right for our family? Do I want to do this if we can't have her?
It's funny the emotion that is already tied up in this. At times I am so overwhelmed with sadness that one of my children is hungry and cold today, and at the same moment I wonder if we'll even be able to get her here.
It really does come back to this....if God wants us to do this, it will happen. There isn't a whole lot we can do. I am still worried about the money. The Lord reminded me today that money isn't a big deal to him. I also know that when I die and talk to the Lord about what I've done with my money, that I won't feel like this was frivolous.
Lord help me to listen and to position myself to hear you and receive what you want to give me.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
What I Learned in Haiti
A post out of order, and nothing to do with our adoption. But everything to do with adoption.
A lot of the kids in the orphanage we visited on a short missions trip are in the process of being adopted. They are spoken for. They have another home. But they are stuck in process. They have parents who love them, and who long for them, but they aren't home yet.
They've had visits from their parents, but they can't go home with them yet. They have to stay in the orphanage. They have stories of what home will be like. Pictures. Snapshots that are so out of context they don't even make sense. There are gifts and tokens, heartfelt letters. A small, shallow inkling of what is to be. To kids who have nothing, how can they imagine such bounty?
They are small things intended to give to give hope to children who must rely on small tangible things to remind them of the huge intangible things.
Everything they see in the orphanage is a dim mirror image of what they will have. Food, family, warmth, routine, security. They have no frame of reference for what they will have.
Here the children fight over scraps. There they can walk to a store and choose from the unlimited.
The kids quickly loose sight of the promise that they have been given, the promise of a family and a future. They prostitute their emotions and affections for visitors who have nothing of lasting value to offer. I had kids who are waiting for their adoption to come through ask me to be their Mom.
And the whole time I watched and felt this I thought of myself. I'm in a world that is a dim reflection of where I will be. I too have a Father who has adopted me into his family. But I'm not in the fullness of that relationship yet.
I have letters and snapshots of what will be. I have moments of very intimate visits with my Father. And incredibly long dry stretches when it's hard to remember who's family I belong to.
When I looked at the kids I asked myself the question, "Do the kids who have a family act differently than those who don't?". Sadly for the kids here, not really. Even those who really get it. The kids old enough to understand. It's easy for them to live like they'll always be there.
I think of one teenage girl in particular who didn't go to school. When I asked her why, she said there was no point. And to be honest, if she was going to live in Haiti her whole life she might be right. But she's moving to Texas. Hopefully within a year. And when she gets there she is going to be so far behind in school it will be really hard for her to catch up. She's living like today is it. Like the promises she's been given won't be fulfilled.
If I could have impressed upon her what will be I would have. But for her, it's just too remote, too far away, too long a wait.
Does my behavior indicate to the world that I know what promises have been made to me? Does my behavior scream taken? Loved? Purpose? Promise? Or do I forget and prostitute and beg. Do I forget my hope?
Honestly, many gifts are squandered by kids in an orphanage. They don't know how to value. How to keep. How to cherish. I squander my gifts from my Father. I don't know how to value, how to keep, how to cherish.
They slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes. I slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes.
What gifts has the Lord given me that I treat with disregard? Gifts that should change, make me different, give me hope. Prayer, God's community, and the Bible pop quickly into mind.
I get lazy about things that would make my time here on earth different. This happened to the kids at the orphanage too. They could keep their reminders close to encourage their hearts when they are having a terrible day. They could take their gifts out from being hidden and use them. (Yes, possibly have them stolen, but maybe not.) But they don't. They're kids and they have been waiting sooo long that being adopted seems like it will never happen. I don't blame the kids one bit. They are the little broken hearted people in a system that takes too long. For them, it's excusable, understandable. I get it. Please don't think I'm putting the kids down. My heart is with them. I wish I could breath hope into their hearts.
I do however blame myself for having this same mentality with God. He gives me the opportunity to talk to Him daily, and I don't. He has a whole book full of encouragement and connection, written several different ways, available in dozens of formats, and I don't always access it when I need it. My life is full of people who are a gift from my Father, put here to love me on His behalf, and I often choose not to connect. I don't have the excuse the kids do. I'm just lazy. I am grateful for a God that treats me with grace, and gives me what I don't deserve. That God meets me in real ways. To bring a breath life. To remind me that even though I am here now, I belong to someone.
So the question for me is this. How will I live out my hope? I believe it, and I don't forget it, but I don't always let each day shout, "I have a Father who loves me, and who cares for me!".
In Haiti, only some of the kids will be adopted. Lots of kids are living with a true hopelessness. For us spiritually, we get to choose. The offer of family is extended to everyone. How will I share this life saving, life changing message of hope. To people who are choking under the weight of hopelessness.......
I might be living in the orphanage right now, but someone calls me daughter. Our time here on earth is like the time the kids have to put in while the red tape pushed through. While the paper sits on desks.
I am spoken for, loved, cherished, but not yet home.
A lot of the kids in the orphanage we visited on a short missions trip are in the process of being adopted. They are spoken for. They have another home. But they are stuck in process. They have parents who love them, and who long for them, but they aren't home yet.
They've had visits from their parents, but they can't go home with them yet. They have to stay in the orphanage. They have stories of what home will be like. Pictures. Snapshots that are so out of context they don't even make sense. There are gifts and tokens, heartfelt letters. A small, shallow inkling of what is to be. To kids who have nothing, how can they imagine such bounty?
They are small things intended to give to give hope to children who must rely on small tangible things to remind them of the huge intangible things.
Everything they see in the orphanage is a dim mirror image of what they will have. Food, family, warmth, routine, security. They have no frame of reference for what they will have.
Here the children fight over scraps. There they can walk to a store and choose from the unlimited.
The kids quickly loose sight of the promise that they have been given, the promise of a family and a future. They prostitute their emotions and affections for visitors who have nothing of lasting value to offer. I had kids who are waiting for their adoption to come through ask me to be their Mom.
And the whole time I watched and felt this I thought of myself. I'm in a world that is a dim reflection of where I will be. I too have a Father who has adopted me into his family. But I'm not in the fullness of that relationship yet.
I have letters and snapshots of what will be. I have moments of very intimate visits with my Father. And incredibly long dry stretches when it's hard to remember who's family I belong to.
When I looked at the kids I asked myself the question, "Do the kids who have a family act differently than those who don't?". Sadly for the kids here, not really. Even those who really get it. The kids old enough to understand. It's easy for them to live like they'll always be there.
I think of one teenage girl in particular who didn't go to school. When I asked her why, she said there was no point. And to be honest, if she was going to live in Haiti her whole life she might be right. But she's moving to Texas. Hopefully within a year. And when she gets there she is going to be so far behind in school it will be really hard for her to catch up. She's living like today is it. Like the promises she's been given won't be fulfilled.
If I could have impressed upon her what will be I would have. But for her, it's just too remote, too far away, too long a wait.
Does my behavior indicate to the world that I know what promises have been made to me? Does my behavior scream taken? Loved? Purpose? Promise? Or do I forget and prostitute and beg. Do I forget my hope?
Honestly, many gifts are squandered by kids in an orphanage. They don't know how to value. How to keep. How to cherish. I squander my gifts from my Father. I don't know how to value, how to keep, how to cherish.
They slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes. I slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes.
What gifts has the Lord given me that I treat with disregard? Gifts that should change, make me different, give me hope. Prayer, God's community, and the Bible pop quickly into mind.
I get lazy about things that would make my time here on earth different. This happened to the kids at the orphanage too. They could keep their reminders close to encourage their hearts when they are having a terrible day. They could take their gifts out from being hidden and use them. (Yes, possibly have them stolen, but maybe not.) But they don't. They're kids and they have been waiting sooo long that being adopted seems like it will never happen. I don't blame the kids one bit. They are the little broken hearted people in a system that takes too long. For them, it's excusable, understandable. I get it. Please don't think I'm putting the kids down. My heart is with them. I wish I could breath hope into their hearts.
I do however blame myself for having this same mentality with God. He gives me the opportunity to talk to Him daily, and I don't. He has a whole book full of encouragement and connection, written several different ways, available in dozens of formats, and I don't always access it when I need it. My life is full of people who are a gift from my Father, put here to love me on His behalf, and I often choose not to connect. I don't have the excuse the kids do. I'm just lazy. I am grateful for a God that treats me with grace, and gives me what I don't deserve. That God meets me in real ways. To bring a breath life. To remind me that even though I am here now, I belong to someone.
So the question for me is this. How will I live out my hope? I believe it, and I don't forget it, but I don't always let each day shout, "I have a Father who loves me, and who cares for me!".
In Haiti, only some of the kids will be adopted. Lots of kids are living with a true hopelessness. For us spiritually, we get to choose. The offer of family is extended to everyone. How will I share this life saving, life changing message of hope. To people who are choking under the weight of hopelessness.......
I might be living in the orphanage right now, but someone calls me daughter. Our time here on earth is like the time the kids have to put in while the red tape pushed through. While the paper sits on desks.
I am spoken for, loved, cherished, but not yet home.
I'm the Secretary
Journal Entry ~ March 3rd 2011
I’m really excited that Steve wants to adopt, really I am,
but to be honest, I want to be sure that this isn’t just an emotional response
to seeing children in need. I really need to be sure that Steve is in 100%, because I know the road ahead is going to be
very long……the paper work before the adoption, and even more so, having the addition to our family
afterwards. I really never want him to
feel that he was coerced (by me anyway, if God coerces Him that’s none of my business).
So I have intentionally not really done a lot to get the paperwork going. For those of you who know us, you know that I am the secretary for our lives. I write the letters, make the phone calls, and set the calendar. So of course, in this situation, Steve expected me to pick up the duties of calling and getting information. But I’ve been holding off, just to be sure.
Today was the second time in a week Steve has asked me how I’m doing, what information I have figured out. In fact tonight he was encouraging me to pick up the pace a little. He is convincing me that he means this. That he is in. I am thrilled.
So I have intentionally not really done a lot to get the paperwork going. For those of you who know us, you know that I am the secretary for our lives. I write the letters, make the phone calls, and set the calendar. So of course, in this situation, Steve expected me to pick up the duties of calling and getting information. But I’ve been holding off, just to be sure.
Today was the second time in a week Steve has asked me how I’m doing, what information I have figured out. In fact tonight he was encouraging me to pick up the pace a little. He is convincing me that he means this. That he is in. I am thrilled.
Tonight when I turned on Steve’s phone he had a picture of
kids from the orphanage as his home screen. Steve, Mr. Not Going to Get Excited about much is getting excited. I have had a hard time holding it together
today. I have been overwhelmed by God’s
faithfulness and revelling in answered hope. I am hesitant to lean into these feelings of joy because I’ve checked my
emotions for so long. I am still in a
bit of shock. Happy, thrilled, scared,
excited, worried, fretting about money, giddy with anticipation…….all over the
map.
I can’t believe Steve is on board and nagging me to get stuff done, and I am humbled and in awe of this answered prayer.
I can’t believe Steve is on board and nagging me to get stuff done, and I am humbled and in awe of this answered prayer.
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