Please Stop!

Journal Entry - March 23, 2011

We are waiting for Mission of Tears to call back. Maybe we'll hear this week if they'll work with us.

It feels like a delicate balance as we are ridiculously anxious to hear, but don't want to appear rude or over "child specific" (asking for certain child) so as to scare away the agency we need to help us.
I really really hope they'll pick us up.

I feel like I should do the "what if we can't have her" conversation with Steve, but I'm afraid of his answer. Such a beautiful little treasure. Is she mine?  Is she the one the Lord has for us? Today, I can hardly fathom saying, fine, not her then, it can be anyone. 

There aren't words to describe how to feel about a child who is mine, but not yet mine. I feel like I'm betraying them by living each day in comfort and ease while they are hungry and cold. Lonely.

That feeling you get when your world has screeched to a halt and you can't believe that everyone else is carrying on as if nothing has changed. 

I feel like everything should stop until we get this figured out. 

It is overwhelming to think of the details. Each little step we need to get done, each huge step we need to get done. But there is no other option but to do each step, painfully and slowly.  We have an appointment with a social worker tomorrow to see if he's a good fit to do our home study. 

One small step at a time......

So many questions

Journal Entry ~ March 6th, 2011

Well, a few emails are bouncing about. We are looking for someone to do our homestudy, two replies so far. I also need to figure out if we have our PRIDE training or equivalency. 

There are two agencies in Canada that deal with Haiti. The one in Toronto is not currently affiliated with HCRM (the orphanage where Steve & Evan were) but the secretary will talk to the director about it. The other agency is in Alberta. 

I have so many questions right now. So many I don't want to ask outloud. Will Steve still want to do this if we can't adopt the girl he thinks is right for our family? Do I want to do this if we can't have her?

It's funny the emotion that is already tied up in this. At times I am so overwhelmed with sadness that one of my children is hungry and cold today, and at the same moment I wonder if we'll even be able to get her here.

It really does come back to this....if God wants us to do this, it will happen. There isn't a whole lot we can do. I am still worried about the money. The Lord reminded me today that money isn't a big deal to him. I also know that when I die and talk to the Lord about what I've done with my money, that I won't feel like this was frivolous. 

Lord help me to listen and to position myself to hear you and receive what you want to give me.

What I Learned in Haiti

A post out of order, and nothing to do with our adoption. But everything to do with adoption.

A lot of the kids in the orphanage we visited on a short missions trip are in the process of being adopted. They are spoken for. They have another home. But they are stuck in process. They have parents who love them, and who long for them, but they aren't home yet.

They've had visits from their parents, but they can't go home with them yet. They have to stay in the orphanage. They have stories of what home will be like. Pictures. Snapshots that are so out of context they don't even make sense. There are gifts and tokens, heartfelt letters. A small, shallow inkling of what is to be. To kids who have nothing, how can they imagine such bounty? 

They are small things intended to give to give hope to children who must rely on small tangible things to remind them of the huge intangible things. 

Everything they see in the orphanage is a dim mirror image of what they will have. Food, family, warmth, routine, security. They have no frame of reference for what they will have.

Here the children fight over scraps. There they can walk to a store and choose from the unlimited.

The kids quickly loose sight of the promise that they have been given, the promise of a family and a future. They prostitute their emotions and affections for visitors who have nothing of lasting value to offer. I had kids who are waiting for their adoption to come through ask me to be their Mom. 

And the whole time I watched and felt this I thought of myself. I'm in a world that is a dim reflection of where I will be. I too have a Father who has adopted me into his family. But I'm not in the fullness of that relationship yet.

I have letters and snapshots of what will be. I have moments of very intimate visits with my Father.  And incredibly long dry stretches when it's hard to remember who's family I belong to.

When I looked at the kids I asked myself the question, "Do the kids who have a family act differently than those who don't?". Sadly for the kids here, not really.  Even those who really get it. The kids old enough to understand. It's easy for them to live like they'll always be there.

I think of one teenage girl in particular who didn't go to school. When I asked her why, she said there was no point. And to be honest, if she was going to live in Haiti her whole life she might be right.  But she's moving to Texas. Hopefully within a year. And when she gets there she is going to be so far behind in school it will be really hard for her to catch up. She's living like today is it.  Like the promises she's been given won't be fulfilled.

If I could have impressed upon her what will be I would have. But for her, it's just too remote, too far away, too long a wait.  

Does my behavior indicate to the world that I know what promises have been made to me? Does my behavior scream taken? Loved? Purpose? Promise? Or do I forget and prostitute and beg. Do I forget my hope?

Honestly, many gifts are squandered by kids in an orphanage. They don't know how to value. How to keep. How to cherish. I squander my gifts from my Father. I don't know how to value, how to keep, how to cherish. 

They slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes. I slip so quickly back into orphan mode. Begging. Despairing. Settling for cheap substitutes. 

What gifts has the Lord given me that I treat with disregard? Gifts that should change, make me different, give me hope. Prayer, God's community, and the Bible pop quickly into mind.

I get lazy about things that would make my time here on earth different. This happened to the kids at the orphanage too. They could keep their reminders close to encourage their hearts when they are having a terrible day. They could take their gifts out from being hidden and use them. (Yes, possibly have them stolen, but maybe not.)  But they don't. They're kids and they have been waiting sooo long that being adopted seems like it will never happen. I don't blame the kids one bit. They are the little broken hearted people in a system that takes too long. For them, it's excusable, understandable. I get it. Please don't think I'm putting the kids down. My heart is with them. I wish I could breath hope into their hearts.

I do however blame myself for having this same mentality with God. He gives me the opportunity to talk to Him daily, and I don't. He has a whole book full of encouragement and connection, written several different ways, available in dozens of formats, and I don't always access it when I need it.  My life is full of people who are a gift from my Father, put here to love me on His behalf, and I often choose not to connect. I don't have the excuse the kids do. I'm just lazy. I am grateful for a God that treats me with grace, and gives me what I don't deserve. That God meets me in real ways. To bring a breath life. To remind me that even though I am here now, I belong to someone.

So the question for me is this. How will I live out my hope? I believe it, and I don't forget it, but I don't always let each day shout, "I have a Father who loves me, and who cares for me!". 

In Haiti, only some of the kids will be adopted. Lots of kids are living with a true hopelessness. For us spiritually, we get to choose. The offer of family is extended to everyone. How will I share this life saving, life changing message of hope. To people who are choking under the weight of hopelessness.......

I might be living in the orphanage right now, but someone calls me daughter. Our time here on earth is like the time the kids have to put in while the red tape pushed through. While the paper sits on desks. 

I am spoken for, loved, cherished, but not yet home.

I'm the Secretary

Journal Entry ~ March 3rd 2011

I’m really excited that Steve wants to adopt, really I am, but to be honest, I want to be sure that this isn’t just an emotional response to seeing children in need. I really need to be sure that Steve is in 100%, because I know the road ahead is going to be very long……the paper work before the adoption, and even more so, having the addition to our family afterwards. I really never want him to feel that he was coerced (by me anyway, if God coerces Him that’s none of my business).

So I have intentionally not really done a lot to get the paperwork going. For those of you who know us, you know that I am the secretary for our lives. I write the letters, make the phone calls, and set the calendar. So of course, in this situation, Steve expected me to pick up the duties of calling and getting information. But I’ve been holding off, just to be sure.

Today was the second time in a week Steve has asked me how I’m doing, what information I have figured out. In fact tonight he was encouraging me to pick up the pace a little. He is convincing me that he means this. That he is in. I am thrilled.

Tonight when I turned on Steve’s phone he had a picture of kids from the orphanage as his home screen. Steve, Mr. Not Going to Get Excited about much is getting excited. I have had a hard time holding it together today. I have been overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness and revelling in answered hope. I am hesitant to lean into these feelings of joy because I’ve checked my emotions for so long. I am still in a bit of shock. Happy, thrilled, scared, excited, worried, fretting about money, giddy with anticipation…….all over the map.

I can’t believe Steve is on board and nagging me to get stuff done, and I am humbled and in awe of this answered prayer.