Approved :)

Journal Entry - May 28th, 2012

Our first government approval! The Ministry of Children and Youth Services has said they have no objection to us adopting. We have a letter of approval! Yippee! One down, many to go, but one down!

Now we can start working on finishing up our dossier. Most of the paperwork is already done, but there are some items that are needed for the dossier that we didn't do until we were approved by the Ministry.

A few more appointments, police checks and medical exams and we will have a complete dossier to submit.  

At the moment the Haitian Agency (IBESR) that handles adoption has closed for the summer. There are a lot of things going on in adoptions in Haiti and there is significant room for improvement. This break is intended to give Haiti time to sort out their adoption system, and implement rules that will make them Hague convention compliant.  I hope that Haiti can stay within their time guidelines, and that they actually begin to accept dossiers again in the fall.

Making babies this way is a lot of work....

Butterfly in a Hurricane

Journal Entry - March 21st, 2012

We are on our way home from a short term mission trip in Haiti. It was a great 10 days. I have felt so busy I haven't had time to worry about home much at all. I've missed the boys but have had so much kid time that it hasn't been the same kind of missing as other trips.

I'm leaving Haiti with a heavy heart. Usually I can fix things, or at least address situations, or set the wheels in motion to see some change.

But in Haiti, I feel a bit like a butterfly in a hurricane. There, and able to love for a very short time, but unable to make any significant changes for the kids.

Things I wanted to do, but couldn't? Get A to a doctor for his breathing. See if anything can be done for G's stomach.  Find some significant nutrition for M. Give the nannies the tools to deal with things like chicken pox. Set up a cleaning schedule so the kids could have cleaner places to sleep. Make the kids go to school. Have the older kids help out more. Find a way to give hope to those who aren't being adopted. Be truthful about a hopeful future. Help the older kids learn a skill.

It is really heart breaking to walk away from a child who you know will be hungry, or in pain and there isn't a thing you can do about it today. I know, I know, there are things I can do long term, but leaving a baggie of peanut butter wraps just didn't feel like enough for today.

I loved hearing the kids sing. Breaking out in spontaneous song, to me it meant that happiness still bubbles in their hearts. I love hearing them sing together before bed time. I love hearing their laughing. Bebe had the most delicious laugh, and was such a stinker she had lots of opportunity. I loved cuddling the babies as they fell asleep. I loved hugging the older kids.

Being in Haiti stirred up some feelings in me about our adoption. It has reinforced in me that I can expand my capacity to love. I have been encouraged that a whole range of personalities are lovable. It does make me hope that someone is hugging our little one while they fall asleep. I hope that someone is encouraging them to be kind to each other. I pray that their hope isn't being crushed.

I'm starting to pray that we'll get the special permission we need to be allowed to adopt. That us having four kids already won't limit us from adopting. I pray that this time will go quickly.

Every day they aren't home is a day they are in limbo. I see it in the kids at HCRM, they've been told they're being adopted, but they don't believe it. I don't want my kids to feel like that.

When we get home we need to send a payment to our adoption agency. This is the tipping point for me. I would still really like a sign from God that this is right, but I do feel ready to move on now without it. After spending a week in Haiti, I fully comprehend that we have endless resources. I have the privilege of making my dollar stretch.

On some levels I do wish Canadian adoptions let you choose your own kids. After spending a week with the kids at HCRM and getting to know their personalities I feel like it would be easy to figure out which kids would fit in with our family. I totally get why it isn't a good idea to let families go 'kid shopping' but the selfish part of me sees the benefits of it. Oh well. I'm praying now that the Lord's hand in the selection of our children is evident and strong.

Earthquake Anniversary

Today my mind keeps coming back to my Haitian children.  Today is the 3rd anniversary of one of the days that will always be a part of their story.  A turning point in their life.

There is no doubt that they lost people they loved on January 12th. Did they loose their parents today? Did they loose Aunties? Brothers or Sisters?  

How much of the devastation did they see? What did it do to their little personalities? Did they have to live on the streets until they found a place to live?  

Lord be with them today, give them hope that they have not been forgotten. That we are here loving them and waiting for them. Christina Perri's Loved you for a Thousand Years says it perfectly...

I hope that next year we can spend this day together.  

Be excited!

Journal Entry - March 5th, 2012

So I went out for dinner with Steve and talked about not being sure about this. His response? He's excited about having little people around again, and is eagerly anticipating our new family members. It was really good to hear his positive and and enthusiastic outlook. I'd been spending too much time in my worries and doubts.

I don't want to say he changed my mind but he did help to chase away my nagging doubt. I'd come to the place of deciding that yes, I'm on board to do this adoption, but somehow it was just something I'd resolved to do, I forgot that I should be excited about it. Steve reminded me.

I actually feel like right now it doesn't matter what I say. I don't feel like this is going to happen. I don't know where all the money we need is going to come from.  At all.  We haven't rented out our rental house yet, so that is a huge drain on the finances. How can I be here?  A year in and way further behind than I was when I started? Have we blundered this? I know God is in control, I get that, but have I screwed it up? I don't feel right about sending a check to Mission of Tears if we don't have renters. Mission of Tears is currently waiting for money, and I am stressed out. And to compound it, I feel guilty for feeling like we can't afford it.  We are filthy rich compared to the kids in Haiti.

Steve, Emma, and I are heading out to Haiti this weekend. Emma's friend Kirsten is coming too.  I'm excited about going there and seeing the kids at HCRM.

Steve said it will be tough for him to be in Haiti, to be so near his children and not know who they are, where they are, or how they are doing.  It is a weird thing to think that somewhere out there there are little people who will one day be our children, and we don't know them yet. At least we know they exist. Our kids don't even know we are here, working to get them home.  Putting in time, experiencing things, growing and changing. We're separate for now but hopefully we'll be together soon.