Journal Entry - January 28th, 2012
Unfortunately no major revelations. I do however continue to feel better about being honest with myself. My current theory on my hesitations? I've never really had to process through my feelings about whether or not I really wanted, rubber to the road wanted to adopt internationally. Because Steve's default answer has been no for so long, when he switched to a yes, I didn't take time to reprocess. I think I'm just doing that now.
Despite Steve's unconcern about finances, I don't know how to make money appear. Because we just bought the rental house, we've eaten up our financial wiggle room.
If God would send a messenger to say, do this, this is right for you, I would do it. Happily. But I am sure that it isn't right to demand a sign.
I'd love to set up a long list of stipulations to assure me of God's intervention. Like....it has to be the girl that Steve is thinking of from HCRM.
That's a whole other tangent....When Steve was in Haiti there was one girl in particular that softened his heart towards adopting. An absolutely beautiful little girl, the one that could be the one. Now that we have gotten into this, it seems that she would be very difficult to pursue. (for a lot of reasons that are hard to work around) So that brings in a whole new set of questions.....Should we pursue and push for this particular girl? Is she the one for us?
Let's be honest, my life to date has required very little faith. Am I failing at my first challenge?
A week ago I was ready to throw in the towel. I'm back to neutral.
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Thursday, 27 December 2012
I'm a Jerk
Journal Entry - January 20, 2012
This week the doubts are winning. I'm having misgivings over whether we can do this, whether we should do this. This is kind of the last point we can back out without much kafuffle. We can stop now by just saying we're out. So do we do this or not?
Having kids was so much easier than this. Do what you do to make babies, and if it happens it happens. This is slow and daunting.
Is this nerves or wisdom? Who do I talk to about this? I don't think I know anyone whose opinion on this I trust, who is knowledgeable and objective.
You can't do this wrong, the stakes are way to high. I feel like a huge jerk having these thoughts. I hate to admit it on paper. I can't take these doubts back, here they are. These feelings have been rolling around for a while, but I've been hesitant to commit to them in writing.
I know I can't navigate my life with feelings, but I also recognize that feelings are a good way to get my attention. My plan is this....think about it, pray about it, sit on it, sleep on it..... There is an info day at Mission of Tears on February 11th. If I still feel like this in three weeks I'll talk to Steve about it.
How is it possible for someone to have such duality about something?
This week the doubts are winning. I'm having misgivings over whether we can do this, whether we should do this. This is kind of the last point we can back out without much kafuffle. We can stop now by just saying we're out. So do we do this or not?
Having kids was so much easier than this. Do what you do to make babies, and if it happens it happens. This is slow and daunting.
Is this nerves or wisdom? Who do I talk to about this? I don't think I know anyone whose opinion on this I trust, who is knowledgeable and objective.
You can't do this wrong, the stakes are way to high. I feel like a huge jerk having these thoughts. I hate to admit it on paper. I can't take these doubts back, here they are. These feelings have been rolling around for a while, but I've been hesitant to commit to them in writing.
I know I can't navigate my life with feelings, but I also recognize that feelings are a good way to get my attention. My plan is this....think about it, pray about it, sit on it, sleep on it..... There is an info day at Mission of Tears on February 11th. If I still feel like this in three weeks I'll talk to Steve about it.
How is it possible for someone to have such duality about something?
Friday, 21 December 2012
Over Optimistic
Journal Entry - January 6, 2012
A new year! Maybe the year we bring the rest of our family home. Over optimistic I know, but it's a new year, let me be optimistic :)
We have everything for our home study done. RCMP check, vulnerable sector check, OPP police check, medical exams, psychological test done. Now we just have to wait to finish up our home study with Glory. Then we can send one big package to Mission of Tears and hopefully get this show on the road.
I'm having moments of doubt throughout this. When I wonder if we are doing the right thing if we do this. Then I remind myself that I have felt like this before. Like when I married Steve, when we had Evan, when we moved to the Ranch. It seems my nature is pessimistic. My hope is optimistic. My God is optimistic.
Evan had a funny moment last night. He asked if an adoption from Haiti was the same as a Canadian adoption. Will whoever we get be his full brother/sister. Like Nathan.
I said of course. I don't think it dawned on him that is would be his brother or sister too, not just our son or daughter. He was processing through them looking different etc.
I wonder if part of God's big plan for our family was to teach us about adoption and adopted love through Nathan.
Waiting in great anticipation!
A new year! Maybe the year we bring the rest of our family home. Over optimistic I know, but it's a new year, let me be optimistic :)
We have everything for our home study done. RCMP check, vulnerable sector check, OPP police check, medical exams, psychological test done. Now we just have to wait to finish up our home study with Glory. Then we can send one big package to Mission of Tears and hopefully get this show on the road.
I'm having moments of doubt throughout this. When I wonder if we are doing the right thing if we do this. Then I remind myself that I have felt like this before. Like when I married Steve, when we had Evan, when we moved to the Ranch. It seems my nature is pessimistic. My hope is optimistic. My God is optimistic.
Evan had a funny moment last night. He asked if an adoption from Haiti was the same as a Canadian adoption. Will whoever we get be his full brother/sister. Like Nathan.
I said of course. I don't think it dawned on him that is would be his brother or sister too, not just our son or daughter. He was processing through them looking different etc.
I wonder if part of God's big plan for our family was to teach us about adoption and adopted love through Nathan.
Waiting in great anticipation!
Thursday, 6 December 2012
A Big Thrill
Journal Entry ~ December 10, 2011
Our first payment came out this week. Seeing that check on the bank screen was such a big thrill. We are actually doing this.
To be honest this week I have been overwhelmed with the expense of this. In addition to the money we have to pay for the adoption, we also paid for PRIDE training, our homestudy, and psychological testing.
I am reminding myself that money is not eternal, but the benefits of growing our family are. Steve who is always laissez faire about money is extra unconcerned about this money. I'm trying to borrow some of his feelings about it....
Realistically this means years of being tight. It is another one of those 'how to pray' moments. How do I pray about this? I'd like to pray that a large sum of money gets dropped in our lap. I don't think I have the faith to pray for that.
Thankfully the money issue is easier than some of the other issues we have worked through these last few years. I am certain that no amount of cash will exit this life with me. I am as certain that my relationships will follow me into eternity.
I am so happy to be doing this. I have moments of delight, doubt, despair and great anticipation. We're actually doing this.
Our first payment came out this week. Seeing that check on the bank screen was such a big thrill. We are actually doing this.
To be honest this week I have been overwhelmed with the expense of this. In addition to the money we have to pay for the adoption, we also paid for PRIDE training, our homestudy, and psychological testing.
I am reminding myself that money is not eternal, but the benefits of growing our family are. Steve who is always laissez faire about money is extra unconcerned about this money. I'm trying to borrow some of his feelings about it....
Realistically this means years of being tight. It is another one of those 'how to pray' moments. How do I pray about this? I'd like to pray that a large sum of money gets dropped in our lap. I don't think I have the faith to pray for that.
Thankfully the money issue is easier than some of the other issues we have worked through these last few years. I am certain that no amount of cash will exit this life with me. I am as certain that my relationships will follow me into eternity.
I am so happy to be doing this. I have moments of delight, doubt, despair and great anticipation. We're actually doing this.
December 14, 2011
A great break! We found a psychologist who can do our assessment much earlier and for cheaper! A small victory, but a victory none the less!
December 15, 2011
The Paris OPP has figured out how to do a vulnerable sector check for us :) You'd think it would be easy to get a vulnerable sector done, but it wasn't. The good news? Every trip to Paris (it took five) included a stop at the bakery....
Saturday, 1 December 2012
No Pie in Our Eye
Journal Entry - November 28, 2011
We've got a lot done in the last seven weeks!
We've had 3 appointments with Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study), one more this week and our homestudy will be done.
We met with Gordon at Mission of Tears. He presented their terrible communication as a way to sort out "pie-eyed" parents. So sending in an application in April and not being accepted as clients until September was a test. Apparently all my calls and emails proved that we were serious and they agreed to work with us. This is not for the faint of heart.
Our contracts for them, and a check are sitting on the counter tonight. I'll send it in tomorrow, and then it's official.....we'll be trying to get 'pregnant' :) (Steve thinks we should back up paper pregnancy with conventional methods just to be sure......)
In our discussions with Gordon we changed our request for what kind of child we'd like to adopt. Initially we thought one older child would be good, but after speaking to others and thinking about it, I wondered if 2 slightly younger kids would be better.
Imagine my trepidation at asking Steve if he wants to adopt 2....I waited ten years for a yes to one, then asking for 2 six months later.
To my surprise, Steve said yes. No maneuvering required.
So we changed our application to two children between the ages of 5 and 10, siblings, with at least one being a girl.
I am actually allowing myself the smallest glimmer of excitement. Not enough to bury me if it's in vain, but a glimmer.
Next steps: finish police check with OPP, send completed homestudy to Mission of Tears, pray pray pray!
We've got a lot done in the last seven weeks!
We've had 3 appointments with Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study), one more this week and our homestudy will be done.
We met with Gordon at Mission of Tears. He presented their terrible communication as a way to sort out "pie-eyed" parents. So sending in an application in April and not being accepted as clients until September was a test. Apparently all my calls and emails proved that we were serious and they agreed to work with us. This is not for the faint of heart.
Our contracts for them, and a check are sitting on the counter tonight. I'll send it in tomorrow, and then it's official.....we'll be trying to get 'pregnant' :) (Steve thinks we should back up paper pregnancy with conventional methods just to be sure......)
In our discussions with Gordon we changed our request for what kind of child we'd like to adopt. Initially we thought one older child would be good, but after speaking to others and thinking about it, I wondered if 2 slightly younger kids would be better.
Imagine my trepidation at asking Steve if he wants to adopt 2....I waited ten years for a yes to one, then asking for 2 six months later.
To my surprise, Steve said yes. No maneuvering required.
I am actually allowing myself the smallest glimmer of excitement. Not enough to bury me if it's in vain, but a glimmer.
Next steps: finish police check with OPP, send completed homestudy to Mission of Tears, pray pray pray!
5 months to get a phone call
Journal Entry - October 6, 2011
It has been a long time since the last entry, and it's easy to explain why.....nothing has happened.
It took Mission of Tears until September 12th to reply to our application. (That was 5 long months). I called or emailed about once every three weeks, but for long stretches of time I didn't hear anything back. I'm so doubtful about working with a company with such bad customer service, but they are it. They are the one and only agency for Haiti. It's them or no one.
We have an appointment next week to ask some questions and we'll decide whether we want to move forward with them. There are some other things going on in our family that are joy sappers for me. I have a lot to sort through.
It has been a long time since the last entry, and it's easy to explain why.....nothing has happened.
It took Mission of Tears until September 12th to reply to our application. (That was 5 long months). I called or emailed about once every three weeks, but for long stretches of time I didn't hear anything back. I'm so doubtful about working with a company with such bad customer service, but they are it. They are the one and only agency for Haiti. It's them or no one.
We have an appointment next week to ask some questions and we'll decide whether we want to move forward with them. There are some other things going on in our family that are joy sappers for me. I have a lot to sort through.
Glory (Alleluia)
Journal Entry - April 20, 2011
We are just about done the paperwork for Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study). I hope to have it in the mail by Monday.
I'm going to call Mission of Tears today to see if they received our application and to check where they are with that. I will admit, it does make me nervous that they are so slow to respond. These people are my paper pushers, I need them to be efficient.
I am feeling better (less unnerved) about international adoption. There are so many places that need God to intervene that if this process results in a child in our home there will be no doubt that God is in it.
It feels a bit like pre-marriage jitters. I was sure I was making a mistake when I married Steve (I had serious cold feet the last 24hrs) so being nervous about something doesn't negate things for me, or scare me into thinking we shouldn't.
Lord please help me remember what paper to chase!
We are just about done the paperwork for Glory (the social worker who is doing our home study). I hope to have it in the mail by Monday.
I'm going to call Mission of Tears today to see if they received our application and to check where they are with that. I will admit, it does make me nervous that they are so slow to respond. These people are my paper pushers, I need them to be efficient.
I am feeling better (less unnerved) about international adoption. There are so many places that need God to intervene that if this process results in a child in our home there will be no doubt that God is in it.
It feels a bit like pre-marriage jitters. I was sure I was making a mistake when I married Steve (I had serious cold feet the last 24hrs) so being nervous about something doesn't negate things for me, or scare me into thinking we shouldn't.
Lord please help me remember what paper to chase!
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