I hope you're asking, 'What does 'really well' look like?'. If you are, you're in luck, there's a long answer on the way. (If you were okay with the short answer, click on the back button on the top left hand corner of the screen.)
The girls know that we are their family. They happily list all the members of the 'tout famille' many, many times a day.
We have very few BIG blow ups, and when they do happen, we can get through them pretty quickly and move forward.
The girls are happy to receive, and often initiate affection. They can be down right mushy at times, and it's fantastic.
We are learning more and more about each other every day, and it appears that we like each other :)
They seem to be wrapping their heads (and hearts) around the important things. Like I'll always love them, even if they are bad. And I'll always come back. I hear them repeating those messages to each other, and to me, and it makes my heart sing that those things are being nestled down in their hearts.
It brings me joy on a deep level to see my older kids work so hard at loving these girls. They have exceeded any preconceived ideas I had about how they would interact with Addie and Melissa, and I had high standards. Really, really awesome.
They seem to be wrapping their heads (and hearts) around the important things. Like I'll always love them, even if they are bad. And I'll always come back. I hear them repeating those messages to each other, and to me, and it makes my heart sing that those things are being nestled down in their hearts.
It brings me joy on a deep level to see my older kids work so hard at loving these girls. They have exceeded any preconceived ideas I had about how they would interact with Addie and Melissa, and I had high standards. Really, really awesome.
Is it all sunshine and roses? Of course not. This is hard work, and there are moments I'm not sure we'll all get to the end of the day in one piece. What's hard?
Relying on pointing, and short sentences to talk to each other. Combine that with baby talk and there are a lot of occasions I'm guessing at what I'm being told. It's not easy to support someone emotionally when you're not sure what they're saying.
Not knowing the right thing to do, and worrying that I'm screwing it all up.
Figuring out what we'd call Addie. We thought her name was pronounced, and we called her, Nadia for the first 7 months after we were matched with her. Then we found out it wasn't Nadia, so we just kept her name and tried to 'Canadianize' the spelling to Naljee. I didn't know it would drive me SO crazy to have people mispronounce it. I did figure out that I couldn't take if for the rest of her life. So I started calling her the name that Melissa calls her, 'Addie', and hoped that she'd be ok with it. She is, and Addie's what we're sticking with.
It's hard to get people to understand attachment dynamics. I feel like a jerk every time I ask someone to pay less attention, or not pick them up. It's awkward every time. I'd like to make flyers to hand out, or a sign to post by my door or something, but that might be a little impersonal. If you would like more info on attachment, these blogs are awesome. Our girls don't have the issues that this Mom describes, but reading about this Mom's struggles have encouraged me to take this attachment period really seriously.
Here it is in a nutshell. My girls have a limited amount of 'positive emotional dollars' to spend in a day. If they spend it on you, I don't get it. And they need to spend them on their family to give us time to knit together. Interacting with other people is a lot of work for them, and chews up their currency for the day, and I get kick back when they are emotionally tired (see boneless child comment below). I don't want to spend a lot of time working through meltdowns, I want to play and hug and sing and dance. So in the most kind way I can manage it, I'm going to be selfish with their connections for now. Attaching is the whole deal, we've got to give it he best we have, even if it we're stepping on toes.
They may not have big blow ups, but managing their behavior is still tiring. And I've done this 'kid in transition' thing alot. I'm not going to tell you how they misbehave, (who would want their Mom to do that?) but lets just say I am no stranger to whining, boneless children and the constant questioning of 'who's in charge?'. Yes, I know, all those things are regular kids things, but when you are just learning to like each other, those things can be tougher to navigate.
Here it is in a nutshell. My girls have a limited amount of 'positive emotional dollars' to spend in a day. If they spend it on you, I don't get it. And they need to spend them on their family to give us time to knit together. Interacting with other people is a lot of work for them, and chews up their currency for the day, and I get kick back when they are emotionally tired (see boneless child comment below). I don't want to spend a lot of time working through meltdowns, I want to play and hug and sing and dance. So in the most kind way I can manage it, I'm going to be selfish with their connections for now. Attaching is the whole deal, we've got to give it he best we have, even if it we're stepping on toes.
They may not have big blow ups, but managing their behavior is still tiring. And I've done this 'kid in transition' thing alot. I'm not going to tell you how they misbehave, (who would want their Mom to do that?) but lets just say I am no stranger to whining, boneless children and the constant questioning of 'who's in charge?'. Yes, I know, all those things are regular kids things, but when you are just learning to like each other, those things can be tougher to navigate.
Staying home for this long is not easy. I am not a stay home kind of girl and this 'small world' stuff is hard for me. It has been hard to step back from so many of the things that I have spent my life on. It's also a little lonely. But I can't fix the lonely with visits, so I'm in a catch 22. I've never had so much time to visit people, and I've never been so restricted in who I can visit. (Thank God for family who live close!)
I feel like we are rounding the corner, that we're almost out of this super-sheltered phase. I'm not sure what moving forward will look like, but my confidence in my ability to see when it's too much for the girls is growing. I've begun to figure out what's normal and what's out of the ordinary for them.
I can't tell you how grateful I am for the people who have faithfully checked in with us and asked us how we are doing. We're doing good :)
I can't tell you how grateful I am for the people who have faithfully checked in with us and asked us how we are doing. We're doing good :)
