Journal Entry - January 28th, 2012
Unfortunately no major revelations. I do however continue to feel better about being honest with myself. My current theory on my hesitations? I've never really had to process through my feelings about whether or not I really wanted, rubber to the road wanted to adopt internationally. Because Steve's default answer has been no for so long, when he switched to a yes, I didn't take time to reprocess. I think I'm just doing that now.
Despite Steve's unconcern about finances, I don't know how to make money appear. Because we just bought the rental house, we've eaten up our financial wiggle room.
If God would send a messenger to say, do this, this is right for you, I would do it. Happily. But I am sure that it isn't right to demand a sign.
I'd love to set up a long list of stipulations to assure me of God's intervention. Like....it has to be the girl that Steve is thinking of from HCRM.
That's a whole other tangent....When Steve was in Haiti there was one girl in particular that softened his heart towards adopting. An absolutely beautiful little girl, the one that could be the one. Now that we have gotten into this, it seems that she would be very difficult to pursue. (for a lot of reasons that are hard to work around) So that brings in a whole new set of questions.....Should we pursue and push for this particular girl? Is she the one for us?
Let's be honest, my life to date has required very little faith. Am I failing at my first challenge?
A week ago I was ready to throw in the towel. I'm back to neutral.
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