I'm a Jerk

Journal Entry - January 20, 2012

This week the doubts are winning. I'm having misgivings over whether we can do this, whether we should do this. This is kind of the last point we can back out without much kafuffle. We can stop now by just saying we're out. So do we do this or not?

Having kids was so much easier than this. Do what you do to make babies, and if it happens it happens. This is slow and daunting.

Is this nerves or wisdom? Who do I talk to about this? I don't think I know anyone whose opinion on this I trust, who is knowledgeable and objective.

You can't do this wrong, the stakes are way to high. I feel like a huge jerk having these thoughts. I hate to admit it on paper. I can't take these doubts back, here they are. These feelings have been rolling around for a while, but I've been hesitant to commit to them in writing.

I know I can't navigate my life with feelings, but I also recognize that feelings are a good way to get my attention. My plan is this....think about it, pray about it, sit on it, sleep on it.....  There is an info day at Mission of Tears on February 11th. If I still feel like this in three weeks I'll talk to Steve about it.

How is it possible for someone to have such duality about something?