Butterfly in a Hurricane

Journal Entry - March 21st, 2012

We are on our way home from a short term mission trip in Haiti. It was a great 10 days. I have felt so busy I haven't had time to worry about home much at all. I've missed the boys but have had so much kid time that it hasn't been the same kind of missing as other trips.

I'm leaving Haiti with a heavy heart. Usually I can fix things, or at least address situations, or set the wheels in motion to see some change.

But in Haiti, I feel a bit like a butterfly in a hurricane. There, and able to love for a very short time, but unable to make any significant changes for the kids.

Things I wanted to do, but couldn't? Get A to a doctor for his breathing. See if anything can be done for G's stomach.  Find some significant nutrition for M. Give the nannies the tools to deal with things like chicken pox. Set up a cleaning schedule so the kids could have cleaner places to sleep. Make the kids go to school. Have the older kids help out more. Find a way to give hope to those who aren't being adopted. Be truthful about a hopeful future. Help the older kids learn a skill.

It is really heart breaking to walk away from a child who you know will be hungry, or in pain and there isn't a thing you can do about it today. I know, I know, there are things I can do long term, but leaving a baggie of peanut butter wraps just didn't feel like enough for today.

I loved hearing the kids sing. Breaking out in spontaneous song, to me it meant that happiness still bubbles in their hearts. I love hearing them sing together before bed time. I love hearing their laughing. Bebe had the most delicious laugh, and was such a stinker she had lots of opportunity. I loved cuddling the babies as they fell asleep. I loved hugging the older kids.

Being in Haiti stirred up some feelings in me about our adoption. It has reinforced in me that I can expand my capacity to love. I have been encouraged that a whole range of personalities are lovable. It does make me hope that someone is hugging our little one while they fall asleep. I hope that someone is encouraging them to be kind to each other. I pray that their hope isn't being crushed.

I'm starting to pray that we'll get the special permission we need to be allowed to adopt. That us having four kids already won't limit us from adopting. I pray that this time will go quickly.

Every day they aren't home is a day they are in limbo. I see it in the kids at HCRM, they've been told they're being adopted, but they don't believe it. I don't want my kids to feel like that.

When we get home we need to send a payment to our adoption agency. This is the tipping point for me. I would still really like a sign from God that this is right, but I do feel ready to move on now without it. After spending a week in Haiti, I fully comprehend that we have endless resources. I have the privilege of making my dollar stretch.

On some levels I do wish Canadian adoptions let you choose your own kids. After spending a week with the kids at HCRM and getting to know their personalities I feel like it would be easy to figure out which kids would fit in with our family. I totally get why it isn't a good idea to let families go 'kid shopping' but the selfish part of me sees the benefits of it. Oh well. I'm praying now that the Lord's hand in the selection of our children is evident and strong.