Be excited!

Journal Entry - March 5th, 2012

So I went out for dinner with Steve and talked about not being sure about this. His response? He's excited about having little people around again, and is eagerly anticipating our new family members. It was really good to hear his positive and and enthusiastic outlook. I'd been spending too much time in my worries and doubts.

I don't want to say he changed my mind but he did help to chase away my nagging doubt. I'd come to the place of deciding that yes, I'm on board to do this adoption, but somehow it was just something I'd resolved to do, I forgot that I should be excited about it. Steve reminded me.

I actually feel like right now it doesn't matter what I say. I don't feel like this is going to happen. I don't know where all the money we need is going to come from.  At all.  We haven't rented out our rental house yet, so that is a huge drain on the finances. How can I be here?  A year in and way further behind than I was when I started? Have we blundered this? I know God is in control, I get that, but have I screwed it up? I don't feel right about sending a check to Mission of Tears if we don't have renters. Mission of Tears is currently waiting for money, and I am stressed out. And to compound it, I feel guilty for feeling like we can't afford it.  We are filthy rich compared to the kids in Haiti.

Steve, Emma, and I are heading out to Haiti this weekend. Emma's friend Kirsten is coming too.  I'm excited about going there and seeing the kids at HCRM.

Steve said it will be tough for him to be in Haiti, to be so near his children and not know who they are, where they are, or how they are doing.  It is a weird thing to think that somewhere out there there are little people who will one day be our children, and we don't know them yet. At least we know they exist. Our kids don't even know we are here, working to get them home.  Putting in time, experiencing things, growing and changing. We're separate for now but hopefully we'll be together soon.