How did we get here?

Here is the first of my journal entries starting back last February.

February 27. 2011

I feel like I need to chronicle this journey we are about to embark on. Actually, I’ve been on it for a long time but I’ll start writing now.

I clearly remember sitting in my living room as a teenager watching a World Vision show about children in Africa and thinking I need to do something about that, and at that time thinking that I would love to adopt a child from an underdeveloped nation. Perhaps many people have had that type of feeling as they watch those shows. But from that moment on, I’ve always thought it was something I would do. I felt sure of it.

I remember talking to Steve about adopting before we were married, letting him know that I wanted to adopt. He was on board with the idea. Steve has also been clear from the beginning that he wanted no more than four children. So as long as I was okay with his four kid maximum (which I was), he was okay with however we got them.

So we had our first three children the old fashioned way, and fully intended on pursuing an international adoption. Then a dilemma presented itself in a little baby. A beautiful little baby dropped off at my door. Here I was in love with Nathan, and I believed he was given to us as a gift, but to adopt him I had to give up my dream of international adoption. It’s a funny thing, I’ve never held it against Nathan or felt that he denied me the ability to adopt internationally. The two, even though directly related have never been in competition. So I am 100% thrilled that we adopted Nathan, and I’m daily grateful for him, and at the same time have longed to adopt another for all these years. Steve and I had the discussion while we worked through Nathan’s adoption that I would still like to adopt, but Steve has always been very firm that we were done.

So for ten years I've been praying for God to change my heart (so I wouldn’t have this unfulfilled desire), or for God to change Steve's heart. Wondering if out there somewhere we have a child we haven’t met yet.

This will sound weird, but even with the strength of these emotions I haven’t been bitter about it. As I’ve prayed and processed and asked God to change my heart or Steve's. There is only so much I can do on my own (ie: I can’t adopt unless Steve is on board), so if God wanted us to adopt, and we didn’t, it would be Steve’s issue to sort out with God at some point. And if we weren’t and I was just attached to a sentimental dream, then listening to Steve would have ensured God’s plan for our family.

Having said that, it has been on my mind all these years. I haven’t really talked about it with Steve on an ongoing basis. I was afraid that if he knew how often I thought about it, he would agree to make me happy, and not because he  thought it was the right thing to do. So I’ve had a couple conversations with him to say, “Just so you know I’d still like to adopt”, and have left it at that. I didn't want to emotionally manipulate Steve into adoption, nor badger him into saying yes. If this was going to happen, I wanted Steve to be a willing and eager partner. I knew we'd have to be in it together.

I feel like I’ve been in that spot forever, but in reality it’s been 10 years. There is a Bible verse about sowing in tears and reaping in joy.  I have reminded myself of God's faithfulness, and His promise of joy as I’ve waited and waded through this issue.

When the kids were little, and I didn't know yet how quickly they would grow, we committed to taking them on a mission trip when they turned 16. An opportunity to see the world from a different perspective, and hopefully provide a broad world view as they planned their lives. Honestly, in the blink of an eye, Evan turned 16. So we planned a trip for Steve and Evan to go to Haiti in January of 2010.

Three days before they were supposed to leave a huge earthquake hit Haiti, and their plans were cancelled. We waited until we thought it would be okay to go, and by the fall of 2010 started planning a trip for Evan and Steve to go in January 2011. All of the 'big' organizations in Haiti had more volunteers than they could use, so Steve being as resourceful as he is, found an orphanage called HCRM (Haiti's Children Rescue Mission), and indirectly (through an American contact) contacted the director to see if they needed help. HCRM was happy to have Steve and Evan come, so they fund raised money for building supplies, loaded suitcases full of food and clothes, and off they went. To be honest, as they left, I was praying that the details would all be in place for them when they got there.  That someone would arrive at the airport to pick them up, that there would be food for them to eat, and that there would be clean water to drink. (Haiti was in the middle of a cholera outbreak). It all worked out beautifully and Evan and Steve had a fantastic time. As many will say when they arrive home from a very short mission trip such as this, it was Steve an Evan who benefited most from their time away.

As I said my final good-byes to Steve as he was leaving, I asked Steve to keep his eyes open for any potential sons or daughters while there. I was a little kidding, and kinda serious. I did not however have my hopes up that Steve would change his mind. Sometimes it is easier to live without expectation than to live with disappointment. Then while Steve was in Haiti, he sent me a FB message that said he would consider adoption. I was absolutely floored. I didn't really respond to his message, maybe I was stunned, I'm not sure.

In one of the discussions we've had since then, he's let me have a window into his thoughts. He thought he would be unable to fill the role of Dad to more than four kids and that anymore would be given a less than stellar parent. I think his perspective changed when he fully understood what living in an orphanage is truly like. So that is where we are today. I want to adopt, Steve wants to adopt, and now we just have to get the kids on board. Practically, an international adoption is a huge stretch of the budget. But to me, the miracle of Steve’s changed heart indicates that miracles can happen, even budget miracles :)  We don't really know anything about adopting from Haiti. Can we choose a child before we begin the process?  Can we work through the process on our own or do we need to work with an agency? How long will it take? Are we acceptable candidates? The questions outweigh the answers for now, but at least we are beginning!